This month we are delighted to have a guest blog! This two part blog has been written by the fantastic Kate Steer, who offers family coaching and online workshops that supports neurodivergent children and families from Nurtured Neuro Kids. Kate has a background in psychology, extensive experience from teaching in primary schools, 1 to 1 coaching, workshops and parenting a neurodivergent child herself.

In part one of the blog Kate talks about why your child might struggle so much when they get home from school. She discusses what is happening and why this might be happening so we can better understand and support our neurodivergent children.

Introduction

When I was a teacher, I would often have children who appeared to be managing well in school and on the surface seemed happy. But that wasn’t what parents were seeing at home, and they would often describe a totally different child to the one I would see at school. As a neurodivergent coach, this is a narrative all too familiar and something I do a lot of work with to support families.

Behavioural Changes

As parents you might be noticing a change in your child’s behaviour since starting school, and is particularly challenging straight after school. Perhaps their behaviour has become more challenging, intense and frequent? Parents often describe this as if a ‘switch has been flicked’, and their child can become often unrecognisable and very dysregulated. You might notice:

  • anger, towards themselves or others
  • a reduced frustration tolerance and increased irritability
  • impulsive behaviour
  • defiant, demand avoidant or disrespectful behaviour (can include rude language)
  • increased meltdowns and emotional outbursts which can include aggressive behaviour towards others
  • overwhelm or refusal in response to ‘simple requests’

It might also present itself as your child being unable to wind down at bedtime and ‘bouncing off the walls’ when they are home from school. Parents often describe their child as being ‘wired’, which can be a sign of dysregulation and sensory overwhelm. At the end of a long day at school, neurodivergent children often face sensory overload, social exhaustion and emotional overwhelm.

After School Restraint Collapse

After school can be very challenging for many families and children, and can be more prevalent at the start of the school year (although not confined to that period of time for some children).

Children might have had a whole day of:

  • dysregulation
  • sensory overwhelm with new smells and sensory experiences
  • frustration
  • new routines
  • socialisation difficulties in the playground with friends
  • low confidence about their work
  • trying to sit still and remember things taught previously
  • not calling out
  • listening and following instructions
  • suppression of feelings
  • lack of autonomy inside them to let out

The ‘letting out’ and inability to cope with aspects of normal life and usual demands is known as after-school restraint collapse and in essence is when children are ‘holding it together’ all day and then they release how they truly feel in the presence of those they trust, or in their safe place at home. They emotionally collapse.

Regulation

All humans, children and adults, have a certain capacity for regulation, how much they are able to cope with before it becomes too much. Every individual has a different capacity to manage the demands around them and stimulation from new environments and people. Neurodivergent and highly sensitive children generally have a lower capacity to cope with a full day of demands and stimulation, and without opportunities throughout the day to regulate it is very likely that their dysregulation and overwhelm will be too much for them to manage.

Masking

A child’s capacity to regulate their emotions and cope with the challenges and demands placed upon them at school is often likened to a fizzy drinks bottle. At the start of the day the bottle is empty, but as the day progresses, they get full up with stuff. Children do what they need to do in order to ‘be good at school’ and so the pressure of that builds up - the pressure to 'behave', the pressure to be quiet and listen, the pressure to sit still, socialisation pressures, trying to remember previous knowledge, the pressure to share resources, the pressure to 'hold it together' emotionally.

For neurodivergent children, these pressures will be greater and there may well be pressures to conform to neurotypical standards that they are unable to tolerate or manage. School can be a very different and complex environment to navigate and these pressures build up until the bottle is full. Children spend all day keeping a metaphorical ‘lid on their bottle’, holding it all in, managing to get through the day with no real evidence or external signs that they aren’t coping. But within it can feel like a giant bubble that is about to burst. The contents of the bottle are constantly shaken throughout the day and the emotions build up and up on the inside.

This concept of ‘keeping a lid of their feelings’ and holding it all in is known as masking, and is often why teachers do not really know what is happening for the child inside. They spend the whole day appearing as if they are fine, and able to manage with the demands of everyday school life.

Is This 'Normal?'

For your neurodivergent child, all of this happens without the presence of a loved one and safe adult. They might be in school all day without an adult that understands and support their needs, making it even more challenging. Throughout the day there is an accumulation of dysregulating moments, and if there are no opportunities for co-regulation with a trusted adult, sensory regulation or emotional release then that will lead to very overloaded children.

In the safety of their home, with the person who enables them to feel safe enough to show their true self, they unscrew that lid and the pressure that has been building all day releases. There are many articles and discussions about restraint collapse being seen as normal, and to an extent yes. Many children (neurotypical and neurodivergent) will struggle after school and need to release their bottled-up feelings, and for some this comes hand-in-hand with the exhaustion of starting school and a new term.

These big emotions and large releases of frustration or anger might then ease as children begin to settle into school and adjust to new routines. However, if these become more frequent and intense then it is not something we should be labelling as ‘normal’ or acceptable for children to manage. Daily meltdowns after school, where a child has been pushed to the edge, overwhelmed and dysregulated all day isn’t something parents should be accepting and okay.

Understanding The Difference

It is important to remember that these explosions of feelings are not your child being ‘naughty’ or testing boundaries/trying to ‘get their own way’. After-school restraint collapse/autistic meltdowns are exactly that — a collapse, because your child is so emotionally or physically overwhelmed that they can no longer keep it together. Many children experience tiredness after a day at school, but restraint collapse and meltdowns are more than just usual fatigue. More sensitive, deeply feeling and neurodivergent children might experience restraint collapse/meltdowns more frequently or more intensely, but it can affect all children.

Managing Emotions

Neurodivergent children, and those who have sensory sensitivities and challenges with processing sensory information might find the school environment very overwhelming and might have a reduced capacity to manage their emotions and other demands throughout the day. At times it might appear as if it has settled, but then present itself again after a challenging day for your child, or if they are very tired or poorly and therefore their capacity to manage their emotions and demands is lowered.

This might also be true for children navigating changes at home whether that be a move of house, new routines, parental separation or the loss of a loved one – these will all impact your child’s tolerance of demands and capacity to manage their emotions.

Ways To Support Your Child

To discover ways that you can support your neurodivergent child after school, look out for part two of Kate's blog - 'Ways to support you neurodivergent child after school' - COMING SOON!

Written by Kate Steer - Family coaching that supports neurodivergent children and families
Nurtured Neuro Kids
Web - www.nurturedneurokids.com
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nurturedneurokids

Sensory Direct

To view informative blogs and products that can help with self regulation, anxiety, emotional support and meltdown control please visit sensorydirect.com.